Pen + Brain Cell Diarrhea (Version 1.0): Lost in Translation Part I (Buhay Call Center)

Taliwas sa paniniwala ng mga taong-Tabon, hinde lang puro durugista at mga under-grads na walang pangarap ang sumasabak sa pag-a-apply sa BPO oh Call Center at lalong hinde “chicken feed” ang proseso upang maka-pasok sa industriyang ito. Gaano kahirap? Parang gan’to…..

November 06 , 2010 12:28 AM

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*My first day funk (Outbound interview)

Setting : Final Interview (panel) 3 years ago sa Isang lib-lib na kumpanya sa sulok ng Ortigas Center na ngayon’y nagunaw na.

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*** Interview Session Starts Now ***

HR Officer : “what’s your favorite color in the rainbow?”

ME : ” Uhhmmm… My favorite color in the rainbow is Red! ” (smiling face…thinking na sobrang sisiw ng tanung)

HR Officer : “ok! so , if i’m a blind person since birth… how would you describe to me the Red color ?”

ME : (pinag pawisan kahit airconned yung cubicle. Parang may mga maiitim na ulap na biglang bumalot sa paligid ko. Tipong iniisip ko nalang na sana mag brown-out, mag delubyo, bumuka ang lupa at matapos na ang interview.) “Uhhmmm… ifff..you’re..a.. blind person since birth..i’ll ..uhhhmmm..(lunok ng laway).. i’ll tell you to.. (punas pawis).. feel your heart (sabay lagay ng kamay sa dib dib ..parang kakanta ng pambansang awit) … and i’ll tell you that what you are feeling pumping inside it is your heart that contains gallons of blood covered by red color , (brain cells activate!!!!) so intensed that such red fluid flows vividly through out your body making you exist now.” (ex-hale.. lunok laway..punas pawis)

(Nu’n ko lang naisip na wala ng ibang paraan para ilarawan ang kulay other than seeing it. Since kulay nga sya..di mo sya pedeng malasahan, mahawakan, maamoy, madama etc. unless makita mo s’ya. At pa’nu mo ide-describe ang kulay sa taong di pa nakakita ng kulay sa buong buhay n’ya at walang kakayahang makita yun?…ang nasabi ko nalang sa sarili ko ng mga panahong yun..”Nyeta! anu ba ‘tong pinasok ko?!” hahaha)

HR Officer : (taas kilay) .. “well said!” (lumingon sa katabi kong kakumpetensya sa posisyon). “So, you’ve been into telemarketing before?”

Salbakutang Applicant : “yes ma’am” (taas noo)

HR Officer : “Ok, that’s nice. So, if i’m a nun who’s too dogmatic to my religious belief, how would you convince me to do breast augmentation?”

Salbakutang Applicant : (nag kulay violet ang mukha) “Well, i’ll tell you to …uhmmm…. (naging heavy violet na ang mukha) so you’re a nun?” (poker face)

HR Officer : “yes i am, for this scenario.”

Salbakutang Applicant : “ah..so you are a nun… well,i’ll tell you that… uhmmm..(kinapa ang sarili nyang breasts) .. that your breast would look better having them resized. that’s it ma’am.”

HR Officer : (umasim ang mukha) “Ok!” (tumingin ulet sakin. syempre na-resurrect ulet ang mga maiitim na ulap sa paligid ko.this time, may kasama ng kulog at kidlat.) “so Jeff, do you smoke?”

Me : “no ma’am.”

HR Officer : “that’s good. but if i’m a lung cancer patient who’s about to die.. how would you convince me to smoke again?”

Me : (feeling ko humiwalay na yung spirito ko sa katawang lupa sa sobrang nerbyos) ….(may moment of silence… tipong naririnig na namin ung hangin na dumadaan sa pagitan ng ilong namin.. parang ultrasonic hearing lang.. ala superman.. at nalaglag ang ball pen sa floor..bumalik kami sa totoong mundo.kinuha ko ang ball pen. may bombilyang biglang nasindihan sa taas ng bunbunan ko.brain cells activate!!!!) ..”Well, let’s say that this pen is a cigarrette.. no .. let me call it medirette.. since this cigar holds medicative properties that it not only lets you savor the deluxe of smoking but heals you from your illness as well, like hitting two birds in one stone. So why not smoke again?!” (parang may mga imaginary audience na nag standing obation sa paligid with matching confetti shower)

HR Officer : (umabot na sa bunbunan ang isang kilay… parang may bell’s palsy lang) “ok. that’s great jeff! so, this would be the last question for both of you.. (di parin inaalis ang tingin sakin.. parang naka-mighty bond).. if there’s only one slot left for the post… would you give it to him or would you take it for yourself?”

(Moment of silence part II. Parang naririnig ko yung back ground music ng Jaws III habang nag-hihintay ang bawat isa ng sagot mula sa’kin)

Me : (lumingon muna ko sa kakumpetensyang applikante… slow motion! sakto! nakatingin rin s’ya sakin.. may spark..parang meralco lang… maasim ang mukha nya..tipong nag mumurang sinasabing ayusin mong isasagot mo! aabangan kita sa baba pag di ako natanggap! yuyupiin kita na parang lata ng coke!!! … parang may mga kitchen knife na lumalabas sa mga pupils nya papunta sakin) .. “Well, I’m really eager to get the job but not to such extent that i’ll be stepping on other people’s welfare. I’m sure he also has what it takes to deserve the post but maybe it’s not for me to judge.” (pahumble.. parang may tumubong halo sa ulo ko..instant angel image).

HR Officer : (tumango lang.. lumingon sa katabi ko.. tumaas ang kaliwang kilay..parang kilay ni batman nung kikitilan na nya ng buhay si joker) “how bout you sir?”

Salbakutang Applicant : (lumingon rin sakin.. parang matapobreng kontrabida sa pelikula habang pinapahirapan ung mga dukhang katulong sa storya) “If there’ll be one slot left.. I know ..no, I’m sure.. that having experienced outbound before, I have more edge and skills to get the position.” (nasaktan ako! makirot! parang pigsang nadaplisan ng alcohol. freshly baked kasi ko nun.. call center virgin.. first time to apply. parang gusto kong itaob ung lamesa at sabihing..”sobra ka na wa!!! kung di pa mukhang kamatis yang ilong mo!!!”).

HR Officer : ok. thank you both. wait outside pls, until your names are called.